I try really hard not to be a jealous person. I know that everyone is dealt a bad hand at some point in their life. But the whole infertility thing really throws you for a loop and sometimes makes that standpoint hard to live by.
Over the last 9 months I have had 5 friends and one sister have a baby. My sister is a little different story, because it was actually her first child, and she herself had issues getting pregnant with her first. However, the other 5 friends, along with one who is due in a few weeks, are all on their second child. This also feels like a big slap in the face. As if it isn't hard enough to realize that my dreams and wishes for children 2 years apart is not coming true, I now have to watch every single one of my friends have their second child 2 years after having their first. Why me? Why out of all of these people am I the only one who CAN'T get pregnant? I just don't get it!
I would hate for any of them to think I am bitter towards them, because I'm not. I'm just bitter towards the whole situation. I am very, very happy for each and every one of their families. But at the same time, it is very hard for me to be around their swelling pregnant bellies, and visit them in the hospital and hear "how hard it is to have a second child in the mix."
I also feel like slapping any person who asks "so when are you having another one?" Or "Oh, how old is Kara now? Time for another one!" Yeah, fuck you! You have NO clue what I am going through, so please don't tell me what I should be doing next in my life. Ok?!
Or what about those people you hear about, friends of friends, or even people in your own extended family, who just keep having more kids and couldn't give a shit less about the ones they already have? Why does God do this to us? (I ask that question lightly, because I know God has nothing to do with our heartache.) Deep down inside, I know that we are all handed in life what God believes we can truly handle and that everything does happen for a reason.
On a lighter note, I am trying very hard to be positive at this point in the process. I have decided, along with my husband, to go ahead and try the Femera, a step up from the Clomid. I will try that along with a trigger shot around day 14 to release an egg. I will also do the dreaded HSG test to make sure I have no blockage. If after a couple cycles of this I am still not pregnant, well then, we will move on to AI. And if after another year of maxing out our options there is still no baby, I will just have to live with the fact that I was only meant to be a mother to one special little girl. And I will be ok with that. (Atleast that is what I will keep telling myself.)
