I try really hard not to be a jealous person. I know that everyone is dealt a bad hand at some point in their life. But the whole infertility thing really throws you for a loop and sometimes makes that standpoint hard to live by.
Over the last 9 months I have had 5 friends and one sister have a baby. My sister is a little different story, because it was actually her first child, and she herself had issues getting pregnant with her first. However, the other 5 friends, along with one who is due in a few weeks, are all on their second child. This also feels like a big slap in the face. As if it isn't hard enough to realize that my dreams and wishes for children 2 years apart is not coming true, I now have to watch every single one of my friends have their second child 2 years after having their first. Why me? Why out of all of these people am I the only one who CAN'T get pregnant? I just don't get it!
I would hate for any of them to think I am bitter towards them, because I'm not. I'm just bitter towards the whole situation. I am very, very happy for each and every one of their families. But at the same time, it is very hard for me to be around their swelling pregnant bellies, and visit them in the hospital and hear "how hard it is to have a second child in the mix."
I also feel like slapping any person who asks "so when are you having another one?" Or "Oh, how old is Kara now? Time for another one!" Yeah, fuck you! You have NO clue what I am going through, so please don't tell me what I should be doing next in my life. Ok?!
Or what about those people you hear about, friends of friends, or even people in your own extended family, who just keep having more kids and couldn't give a shit less about the ones they already have? Why does God do this to us? (I ask that question lightly, because I know God has nothing to do with our heartache.) Deep down inside, I know that we are all handed in life what God believes we can truly handle and that everything does happen for a reason.
On a lighter note, I am trying very hard to be positive at this point in the process. I have decided, along with my husband, to go ahead and try the Femera, a step up from the Clomid. I will try that along with a trigger shot around day 14 to release an egg. I will also do the dreaded HSG test to make sure I have no blockage. If after a couple cycles of this I am still not pregnant, well then, we will move on to AI. And if after another year of maxing out our options there is still no baby, I will just have to live with the fact that I was only meant to be a mother to one special little girl. And I will be ok with that. (Atleast that is what I will keep telling myself.)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Disbeleif
At this time a year ago my husband and I were dreaming about adding on to our family. We waited until our daughter turned 2 years old and then went off birth control shortly after that. The first time we tried to conceive with our daughter it only took about 6 months after going off BC to get pregnant with her. We figured this time it would happen even quicker. Boy, were we wrong.
I didn't actually end up getting a real period for about 2 months after going off birth control, which didn't concern me much at the time. Then, when I had to wait 6 weeks to get another one I began thinking that was a little strange. I have never been the type of woman to NOT bleed every 4 weeks, and sometimes for a week and a half at a time. Unfortunately, my periods only got further and further apart; 6-7 weeks. That is when I decided to go into my ob/gyn to see what was up. She did a 21 day progesterone test to see if I was ovulating, and sure enough, I was not. That was the first slap in the face. Here I had been viciously trying to get pregnant for the last 6 months, all the while I wasn't even ovulating. So, no big deal right? Go on some Clomid and that should kick start my system back to normal. Right? Nope.
I took once cycle of Clomid and did not ovulate, period still came 6 weeks later. At this point my husband and I decided to check in with a fertility specialist. This was something I had never dreamt of having to do. But after talking to several friends, and having a sister as well as a best friend who had to take that route, I decided it couldn't hurt.
The first visit, the doctor suggested upping my dose of the Clomid and doing some blood tests and ultrasounds during that cycle. At the end of the cycle I did another 21 day progesterone test, still failed. They tell you your levels should be between an 8-10 to indicate you are ovulating. My level was .89, only slightly above the .40 it was the previous month. FAIL. I remember the day the nurse called me to tell me that, I wondered what I would be told to do next, she told me I would have to wait to talk to the doctor when he returned the following week. Never did I expect to hear what he suggested on that next phone call. He stated he did not think continuing the process of the hormone pills would be effective, and at this point injections and artificial insemination might be my best bet.
WOW. How did this happen to me? How did I go from getting pregnant 3 years ago with no problem to dreaming of having several more happy, healthy and beautiful children, to being told basically, that you are all out, you are no longer fertile.
I cried my eyes out after that phone call. I guess I didn't expect to hear that. I thought he would tell me that he was going to switch my dose or medication and maybe try trigger shots to release an egg, but not insemination already?! I am only 30 years old, why is this happening so young? I have so many "why" questions.
I NEVER wanted to have just one child. I know that sounds selfish in some ways, that I should be thankful I have one beautiful child. But you see, I do not want her growing up alone and never having a playmate, a "soul mate." My sister and I grew up as best friends, we never had any extended family, never had cousins or grandparents or aunts and uncles to see during the year. It was just us. And I can't imagine what my life would have been life if I didn't atleast have her. And unfortunately, the life of my current daughter does not seem like it will be much different. My extended family lives half way across the country, and my husbands family is split up and not very close to begin with. I feel she might be doomed to a life of solitude. My dreams are being crushed right in front of me. I also wanted to have several children to make up for the quiet and lonely household I felt we grew up in. I wanted to fill my house with laughter and noise and craziness. This road block is not letting me get to my goal.
So now we must weigh our options. There are several tests both my husband and I need to go through before we can proceed with the AI, if we choose to go that route. We may try a different oral med first. Money is another issue. As most people know, fertility treatments are not covered by insurance companies. AI and IVF are very expensive procedures, and will definitely take some planning and saving if we decide to go that route.
So, here I am, at what I guess you could call the "beginning" of my journey through infertility. How long will I last? I can't tell you at this point. I guess we will see how emotionally strong I am. Maybe I will surprise myself in the long run. For now, I just wait.
I didn't actually end up getting a real period for about 2 months after going off birth control, which didn't concern me much at the time. Then, when I had to wait 6 weeks to get another one I began thinking that was a little strange. I have never been the type of woman to NOT bleed every 4 weeks, and sometimes for a week and a half at a time. Unfortunately, my periods only got further and further apart; 6-7 weeks. That is when I decided to go into my ob/gyn to see what was up. She did a 21 day progesterone test to see if I was ovulating, and sure enough, I was not. That was the first slap in the face. Here I had been viciously trying to get pregnant for the last 6 months, all the while I wasn't even ovulating. So, no big deal right? Go on some Clomid and that should kick start my system back to normal. Right? Nope.
I took once cycle of Clomid and did not ovulate, period still came 6 weeks later. At this point my husband and I decided to check in with a fertility specialist. This was something I had never dreamt of having to do. But after talking to several friends, and having a sister as well as a best friend who had to take that route, I decided it couldn't hurt.
The first visit, the doctor suggested upping my dose of the Clomid and doing some blood tests and ultrasounds during that cycle. At the end of the cycle I did another 21 day progesterone test, still failed. They tell you your levels should be between an 8-10 to indicate you are ovulating. My level was .89, only slightly above the .40 it was the previous month. FAIL. I remember the day the nurse called me to tell me that, I wondered what I would be told to do next, she told me I would have to wait to talk to the doctor when he returned the following week. Never did I expect to hear what he suggested on that next phone call. He stated he did not think continuing the process of the hormone pills would be effective, and at this point injections and artificial insemination might be my best bet.
WOW. How did this happen to me? How did I go from getting pregnant 3 years ago with no problem to dreaming of having several more happy, healthy and beautiful children, to being told basically, that you are all out, you are no longer fertile.
I cried my eyes out after that phone call. I guess I didn't expect to hear that. I thought he would tell me that he was going to switch my dose or medication and maybe try trigger shots to release an egg, but not insemination already?! I am only 30 years old, why is this happening so young? I have so many "why" questions.
I NEVER wanted to have just one child. I know that sounds selfish in some ways, that I should be thankful I have one beautiful child. But you see, I do not want her growing up alone and never having a playmate, a "soul mate." My sister and I grew up as best friends, we never had any extended family, never had cousins or grandparents or aunts and uncles to see during the year. It was just us. And I can't imagine what my life would have been life if I didn't atleast have her. And unfortunately, the life of my current daughter does not seem like it will be much different. My extended family lives half way across the country, and my husbands family is split up and not very close to begin with. I feel she might be doomed to a life of solitude. My dreams are being crushed right in front of me. I also wanted to have several children to make up for the quiet and lonely household I felt we grew up in. I wanted to fill my house with laughter and noise and craziness. This road block is not letting me get to my goal.
So now we must weigh our options. There are several tests both my husband and I need to go through before we can proceed with the AI, if we choose to go that route. We may try a different oral med first. Money is another issue. As most people know, fertility treatments are not covered by insurance companies. AI and IVF are very expensive procedures, and will definitely take some planning and saving if we decide to go that route.
So, here I am, at what I guess you could call the "beginning" of my journey through infertility. How long will I last? I can't tell you at this point. I guess we will see how emotionally strong I am. Maybe I will surprise myself in the long run. For now, I just wait.
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